WT 285: How Do I Handle Divisive Discussions with Friends and Family?
Whether it’s an issue surrounding family choices, politics, or religion, it’s not easy to know when to speak up and when to let something go. Today Karen offers wisdom for moms facing difficult conversations, and reminds us that as Christ-followers we can find a way to maintain personal boundaries and also be peacemakers in this world.
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Question 1: I am currently pregnant with our second baby and so excited. We know I will be having a c-section which will require a 3-4 day hospital stay away from our first born. My son is the most comfortable with my parents and we initially wanted to ask them to keep him during this time. However, my mom keeps my nephew while my SIL works and often overnight. My nephew is very jealous of my son and has acted out aggressively towards him on several occasions. My husband and I have discussed having close friends keep our son instead, but I know my parents are expecting to keep him. How can we let them know our change in plans without hurting the relationship? Help!
Karen’s Answer: Oh boy! This question is a doozy! :) Your moms for sure won’t be happy, but ultimately it is your decision. Here is what I would do. I would first have a conversation with your mom. I would tell her your concerns and tell her that you are nervous about your nephew being too aggressive with your son. You can ask your mom, if she has a solution to the problem, and then listen to what she has to say. IF you don’t feel comfortable with her solution, or you feel she is disregarding your feelings, then let her know you will be picking a friend to watch your child. At least then, you are giving your mom a chance to make it right and to have the opportunity to watch your son. You can also have a conversation with your brother and SIL. You can say, “sometimes your son is too rough with my son, will you please have a talk with him?” Dealing with family can be tricky, but I think I would address it before you go another path. Here is the deal, this relationship between your nephew and your son is not going away, so go ahead and figure it out now.
Question 2: I can’t remember the last time I was around a group of adults and COVID DIDN’T come up. It’s everywhere and everything right now. My husband and I have chosen not to get vaccinated and I feel like that decision is putting distance/barriers between me and my friends. I don’t really want to have to get into a scientific discussion every time it comes up (let’s be honest, neither me nor my friends/family are experts in that arena) but I don’t want to create further awkwardness by saying something like, “I’d rather not talk about it…” Any advice?
Karen’s Answer: No matter what side you are on with this topic I think we are all over it! I agree with you 100% that I am sick and tired of talking about it, sick and tired of arguing over it. I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with saying, “I’d rather not talk about it” or say, “Let’s talk about something else”. When it comes up in my circles, I just stay quiet about it. There are arguments on both sides, and at the end of the day, everyone has to decide- what is right for them. I have VERY close friends who are and who aren’t. It shouldn’t affect my friendship or relationship with them whether or not they have gotten vaccinated or not. This was never a thing with the Flu shot. I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone if they got the flu shot that year or not.
Our world can tend to be very divisive and I believe as Christians we have to work hard to march to our own tune, love where others aren’t loving, give grace when no one else is. Choose love over being heard or being right.
Question 3: I grew up in a close family, especially close to my siblings. Now that we are grown, we still are close, but my brother has recently told us he has been dating a guy for the past year. (This felt out of the blue to us). My husband and I do not agree with this lifestyle, and so the reason I am reaching out is because my brother wants to be heavily involved in my one year old daughter’s life, but that may mean her seeing a relationship we are not comfortable with at a very young age. Am I being too restrictive or sheltering her too much by not wanting her to be around him when his boyfriend is around? How do you suggest we handle the potential challenges that will come in the years ahead? I know we can’t keep things from her forever, but she’s too young to have a conversation with about this. Thank you in advance for the wisdom and insight you have to offer.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for your question. Your specific question is “am I being too restrictive or sheltering”. Where I understand your point of view 100%, I think in this instance I would say you are giving into fear of the “what if” before it is time to even worry about that. Your little girl is 1 year old. She will not understand you know anything different when her uncle is around. I think as adults, we play out the “what if’s” way too much in our minds, trying to think through every situation and how we will handle it, when instead we should pray about it, give it to the Lord and trust that He will direct our path when the time arises. Bottom line, it is your brother.
I would also always choose the relationship over what is right in your mind. You would never want your brother to feel like he wasn’t wanted, accepted, or judged. I would think the last thing you would want to do is to push him away. No matter what, he is your brother.
It will be years before you will ever have a conversation with your daughter about your brother’s life. Put relationship over everything and pray God will guide your steps with your brother.
Question 4: As a Christian mom, how do I navigate my friendships when it feels like even some of my fellow "Christian" friends are confused about biblical truth? I understand that I can't hold my secular friends to a certain standard, but I find myself in situations within my religious circles where we're arguing about what a bible verse actually means, or if spanking your children is biblical, or if civil disobedience is okay with God. How do we stay in the Bible and speak truth these days without turning people off?
Karen’s Answer: This is a great question. To be honest, I try to figure this question out myself all the time. I guess I lean into the philosophy that if someone asks me my opinion, I will always share it with them, but if they don’t ask me then I keep my opinions to myself. For instance, years ago we were in a small group with other couples. One night this mom was talking about how her son kept getting out of bed in the middle of the night, and would want to watch tv, have a snack, the whole 9 yards. I just stood there listening, but didn’t say a word. She then looked at me and said, “What do you think I should do?” I told her, “Do you really want my opinion? I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say, but I’m happy to give it to you.” She then said she did want my thoughts. I basically told her she was letting her 4 year old make decisions for their whole family that he wasn’t mature enough to make. IF he were my son, I would tell him we would watch a show, get a snack in the morning but right now it was night time and he needed to go to bed. IF he didn’t go to sleep then he was going to get a spanking. So, I guess to answer your question, I think it is a case by case situation. If these are your dear friends, that you do life with and they are asking you your opinion, by all means, share it with them. But, if it’s someone that you are casually acquainted with and you think they just want to argue then I wouldn’t go there. The verse that always comes to my mind is casting pearls before swine. (not that your friends are swine, but sometimes people don’t appreciate the thinking that we have.
I refer back to what Paul writes in Romans 14. (Paul is talking to the church because they are arguing over food, what is clean food and what is unclean food) He goes into this very topic and starts of in verse 1- “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable matters.” I also like verse 4- “Who are you to judge someone else’s servant.” And verse 13- “Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.” And 17- “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.” 19- “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.”
Listen, if I follow what Paul is talking about in Romans 14, I will stay busy enough. We are all in different stages of our spiritual journey and no one has complete knowledge of the whole thing. In my opinion it is fine to tell what you believe and why to someone when they ask, but always keep in mind you are in a different place than them, and it’s not my job to make them believe what I believe, that is the Holy Spirit’s job.
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