WT 196: Setting Boundaries and Sticking To Them
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, whether you are trying to take control of your schedule, your toddler, or any other area of life. Listen in as Karen and Sunny answer questions from moms in our Facebook group about healthy, biblical boundaries and saying “no” without guilt!
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Links from today’s show:
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries session from Mom Core curriculum
The Art of Motherhood by Karen Stubbs
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Question 1: What are some strategies that work when your toddler lashes out at you in anger? We have entered the slapping mom in the face, pinching or pulling hair during short lived temper tantrums. We have tried slapping his hand which hasn’t worked. I know this is age typical and that it won’t disappear overnight but I do want the discipline I use to be appropriate and help make my point that hitting and lashing out in anger is not ok.
Karen’s Answer: I would grab their hand and say, “No sir!” You do not hit mommy. Lower your voice, get serious and do not smile. Same thing if he grabs and pulls your hair. If he continues to do I would pick him up and go put him in his crib. Tell him, I will check on you in a minute but you cannot hit mommy or pull my hair. Do you understand?
You can also hold his hand and say no sir, and if he continues, you then pop his hand, or just keep holding his hand until he releases control.
Be consistent. That is the key. You are right it is the age that they are trying new things and dealing with their anger. So keep in mind you are teaching him what is acceptable and what is not. It will take time but hang in there.
Question 2: How do you honor your parents when they are downright mean about your child/your boundaries with your child?
My mom has always ridiculed how I protect my toddler’s nap time (she’s 20 months and has always been a poor sleeper- finally is slowly getting to be a better sleeper.) She is downright rude, will make fun of me in front of others, has blown up at me for saying no to other things because of nap time. She says all the time that if I had more than one child, my child would have to be more flexible. But I don’t have any more kids right now....
Today at a family gathering, my mom woke my toddler up from her nap because she wanted everyone else to see her. I didn’t say a thing. Later, my toddler starts getting cranky, not being naughty, just a little stubborn. I ask her if she’s tired. My mom blew up in my face saying, “that’s not an excuse,”and, “you need to get a handle on your child.”
I’ve hardly stood up to my mom at all until this year. She usually gets to say whatever she wants and the times I have said anything, she rants and raves to me about how awful I am. I literally am at my wits end!
Karen’s Answer: I’m so sorry your mom is acting the way she is acting. First off, I would get and read the book Boundaries asap. You need to start putting some boundaries up concerning your mother. Keep in mind when you implement the boundaries they will more than likely make her angry and she will make you feel guilty. Those are her problems, I’m just telling you up front what might could happen. People do not like it when boundaries are set.
Secondly, you are the mom of your child, and if you want her to take a 5 hour nap, that is your decision. Your mom, or anyone for that matter should respect your decision, and if they don’t a boundary should be set. (ie: We will be over to your house after the baby wakes up from her nap.) I would also tell your mom, “Hey mom, I love you, but I am new at being a mom, and I’m trying to figure everything out. I would appreciate your love and support and when you make fun of me in front of people you are not being loving, it hurts my feelings.
Since you have always allowed your mom to say and do what she wants, this new behavior will catch her off guard. I would try to be as loving as possible and let her know you want her in your life for sure, but she needs to respect that you will do things differently than she did.
Question 3: I have 3 kids - 4 year old girl and two boys, one who is nearly 3, the other is 11 months. This year has been extremely challenging. My baby spent a week in the ICU at 7 weeks old. The next several months were challenging as we navigated his health issues, and my husband went back to work.
In August my sister went back to work after having her first child. It was pretty much expected of me to watch my nephew (same age as my youngest), but after the first week, I pretty much told her that I'd give it a shot but wasn't sure that I would be able to handle it. She became very upset with me, wouldn't speak to me, and ended up finding a home daycare for him. After 3 days she was told not to bring him back because he was difficult. She came back to me saying she didn't have any other options, so I agreed to watch him in the mornings.
I am missing the freedom I had when I was not watching him. At the same time, I feel like I should suck it up and watch him because I told her that I would. My husband thinks it is too much and wants me to tell her to find someone for next semester. I know that she will be upset with me, and I think it is possible she will never speak to me again. I know in my head what I should do, but I am so afraid of my sister (and my mom for that matter) being upset with me. Help!
Karen’s Answer: I get it! Family ties are hard!! Okay, if I were you I would tell your sister that watching her son along with your three and the two youngest ones are the same age is proving to be more difficult than you thought. I would tell her that you will give her three months to find new child care. That is plenty of time, more than enough time for her to find someone new. If three months is too far away, then pick your time frame. Listen, it is not your responsibility to watch your sister’s child, that is hers. If she doesn’t talk to you, that is her problem. If you don’t say something now, it will more than likely damage your relationship in the future, as well as your husband’s relationship with her. Go ahead and tell her, the longer you wait the worse it will get.
Maybe suggest you can be a back -up every now and then, but not full time.
Question 4: Awana is starting back up at church on Wednesday nights. We tried it last fall with my 3yr old 1.5yr old (oh and I was pregnant at the time) but being winter in Michigan, and having two small little ones, it was too hard. My older two go to bed at 7:30pm and Awana is from 6:30-8:00pm. Staying up past bedtime was setting them up for failure almost. I just decided that it wasn’t our season of life for that kind of night time activity.
But I was raised in a “you go to church every time the doors were open” kind of mindset and so I had serious guilt about it. Now my girls are 4, 2.5, and 8m old. I’m trying to be strong in my boundary of Awana is just not something we can do in our season of life. My husband works very late days, I would be driving there and back by myself, and we will be up way past bedtime. Any thoughts??
Karen’s Answer: I support your decision 100%! I am all for going to church. I go every Sunday I am in town, but when I had littles in the house, I gave up Wednesday night service for the same reason. It was too hard. Maybe start back up when your youngest is 4 or 5. Or if your four year old can ride home with a friend that is an option, but if you are like me, you want to be the one taking them and picking them up from church. I think that you are being wise and you are not saying no forever, just for now.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
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