WT 265: Fostering a Great Relationship with Your Teenage Daughter
As your little girl turns the corner toward adulthood, your relationship dynamic will definitely start to change. Today Karen shares her thoughts on connecting with older daughters while still holding the line on boundaries and discipline. Don’t miss wisdom bombs, like, “listen before you lecture” and “you do not need to be your child’s best friend”. :) We hope this episode equips those of you navigating Tinder and tattoos while encouraging our toddler moms that you really can enjoy the teenage years. And boys moms, check out our episode all about fostering a great relationship with your teenage son!
Mentioned on today’s episode:
Super fans, we need you to leave Wire Talk a review! Not sure how? Check out the step-by-step how to at the bottom of the page HERE.
Wish there was a support group for moms of teenagers? We got you! Check out our upcoming retreat, SURVIVE: A Retreat for Moms of Teens at The Cove in Asheville, NC, November 12-14. Register today!
Question 1: I am the mom of two very independent, deep thinking teens (a 17 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son). As they’ve gotten older, it seems their dad is who they connect with intellectually and what I might offer is often considered only after he requests they listen to what I have to say. Their spiritual lives took a backseat when they turned teenagers and that was an area where I had been the main guiding voice. I always viewed motherhood as my vocation, but now it feels like I’m disappearing and only needed for cooking, cleaning and laundry. What can I do to remind my family that I’m just as intelligent as the three of them without feeling like I have to prove myself as such or be validated by their father?
Karen’s Answer: I get it, and I remember those days. I will say during this season, it is good for you to be renewing your mind with truth, and to “see” your own value in the home, whether your children see it or not. I know this is hard because the enemy is constantly whispering in your ear a lot of lies like you are not appreciated, valued, respected, etc. As Paul says, “take every thought captive and renew your mind with truth.”
Next thing I would tell you is since your children are 17 and 15, maybe stop “doing” so much for them, and let them see what a true value you are. Children, ALL children have a tendency to take their mom for granted. Use this little bit of free time to pour into yourself. Sometimes when your children see you doing for yourself, that lets them know you are worth it! Lastly, since one of your strengths is in the spiritual realm, I would pray for your children, and their walk with the Lord. That is on them now, but I would be praying weekly about it.
Question 2: I just found out by over hearing my daughter (18 1/2) tell her friend she has the tinder app... ugh ! Not sure how she got it b/c my husband had to approve all the apps the kids ask for on their phone. Trying to figure out the best way to approach her.
Karen’s Answer: Thank you for writing in your question. I would just ask your daughter why she got the app, and talk through what her goals are for joining Tinder. I would listen to her and why she felt the need to get the app. Maybe she wants to find a nice guy, maybe she’s tired of the boys at her school, or maybe she wants to see who else is “out there”. After you listen, I would tell her your concerns and why you don’t think it is a good idea. At this age though, I would listen before I lecture. Food for thought. Be bold in love with your daughter. Listen before you lecture.
Question 3: Would love to hear your opinion on getting a tattoo? And piercing the nose/ belly button? I am old school and I don’t see that it is attractive at all but then again I am old school.
Karen’s Answer:As far as tattoo and nose/belly button piercing, I told my children, they had to be an adult and pay for that on their own, if they wanted something like that. I wasn’t going to forbid it, but I wasn’t paying for it either, and for sure not until they were adults. Kelsey got an extra ear piercing when she went to college, and she had it for a few months then let it grow back. She lost interest. You are still the mom, so don’t be afraid to tell your children your opinion.
Question 4: My daughter is in college and tells me things that she asks me not to tell her dad…especially about boys. I don’t want her to stop sharing with me. I’m assuming if it’s serious I will share with my husband…it’s so hard b/c my husband and I have always shared pretty much everything about our children. I did encourage my daughter to share the boyfriend details with her dad and she said she would. Thoughts?
Karen’s Answer: As far as telling your husband, I never kept secrets from Greg. I wouldn’t want him to keep things from me. Your daughter should realize you and him are a package deal. Be united with your husband, your daughter is part his too.
Question 5: How do I nurture good relationships with my daughters for when they are older? They are 2, 3.5 and 5 right now. I am not close with my mom and many people around me also aren’t close to their mothers. I don’t really have any role models to look to. I never told my mom anything and kept very private as a teenager and now. I want my girls to be able to talk to me and want to be around me when they are older. What tips do you have for healthy mother/daughter relationships?
Karen’s Answer: I think the way you nurture the mother/daughter relationship is you work on it now while they are young. Of course you are with them everyday, but look for ways to connect with them on a deeper level. What is their love language, what is their temperament, become a student of your child. Learn to speak their language, and they will all be different. For me, I found if I spoke “Kelsey”, “Emily” , “Taylor” or “Abby” I made progress. I think my children always knew I loved them, but it’s more than that, they knew I understood them, the good, the bad and the ugly, and I accepted them. We had LOTS of conversations throughout their life over their strengths and weaknesses, etc. Nurturing relationships happen over time, always keep that in mind. It takes time, and don’t look and judge on one day. Look at their relationship as a whole.
Show Credits: hosted by Karen Stubbs with Sunny Williams, written & produced by Katie Leipprandt, edited by Kyle Cummings
HELP THE WIRE TALK PODCAST REACH MORE MOMS
Subscribe | To subscribe on iOS, go to our iTunes page and subscribe to Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs. If you're an Android user, we recommend using the Stitcher app which you can find in the Google Play store. Then, once you're in the app, search for "Wire Talk" Click the plus (+) sign to add our podcast to your Favorites list.
Leave a review | When you leave a five star iTunes review, it helps other mothers find us when they're seeking out podcasts on iTunes. Need directions? Head here.
Share with a friend | We want to encourage more moms with Wire Talk, and that’s where you come in! Share our episodes—via Facebook, email, Twitter or Instagram and help us reach more moms like you.