WT 321: Sex and Motherhood with Dr. Mike Sytsma [RE-AIR]
Today we have a much anticipated episode for you! Dr. Mike joins us to answer your questions about sex in marriage. Dr. Mike is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Sexual Addictions Specialist. He is also an ordained minister who is passionate about marriage and helping couples grow in their marriage! We are so glad he is here to provide expert level advice and answers to your questions. Dr. Mike, thank you for joining us!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Survive Retreat for Moms of Teens
Take a second to tell us what you love about BOAW!
Intimate Marriage - Dr. Mike's new (online!) couples group formed after feedback from the Soar conference
Winshape Marriage retreats - The Naked Truth
Parenting Together study with Karen and Greg Stubbs
Question 1: How do I handle being the one who desires more sexual intimacy than my husband? It can be a hard to feel loved and confident in yourself in this situation. If we talk about it and then he makes effort I feel like it’s because I brought it up and I don’t want to feel like I’m asking for intimacy. I want to be wanted by my husband. I know I’m not the only one that has experienced this but it’s rarely talked about, I always hear about it from the opposite point of view.
Question 2: I have 3 toddlers - 4, 2 & 1 with one on the way. Intimacy for me isn’t just about sex but about closeness. In this stage of service with my kids needing SO MUCH from me everyday, how do I prioritize time and energy with my husband? I’m usually in bed by 10! Kids go to bed at 7:30.
We can’t afford to do weekly date nights (between the date and the sitter we’d be broke!) We try to do at home date nights on occasion which are good but don’t have the same effect since I’m still doing the whole dinner/bathtime/bedtime routine. It seems Like we’re in a season of survival rather than thriving in our marriage. We don’t have huge issues, we are in small group weekly together and still LIKE each other! (& obviously love each other) But I don’t want this season of survival in our marriage to last for the next 5 years. Any tips, advice or encouragement?
Question 3: My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 6 months and sex now seems almost route and mechanical. When our intimacy is goal-oriented, how can we restores the spontaneity and joy?
Question 4: I crave affection from my husband. Affection that comes naturally. I wish I didn’t have to remind him that I would like him to touch me or cuddle me outside of sex. The other day we were out together as a family and I gave him an affectionate hug ... he then said, 'we will have to come here more often.' I told him that the reason I acted that way (and spontaneously so) was because of how he had touched my arm a moment ago. I felt loved in the moment, it had nothing to do with where we were.
Do I need to just accept that this is just not his strong suit? (It sure was before marriage!) We have a pretty good relationship, I just wish this were different. Sometimes I resent sex because I feel like that is the only time he wants to touch me other than a good morning hug.
Question 5: How do you get yourself into the mental and physical mood to have sex? We have a 6-month-old and after a long day with her, I am exhausted. I love breastfeeding her but sharing my body is so tiring and the last thing I'm in the mood for is my husband grabbing my boobs. I love him and want to meet his needs but I find it so hard to get myself into the headspace to have sex.
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